


Choose Me

by surefinewhatever23



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Heartbreak, Soulmates, WPP actually happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:48:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25612330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/surefinewhatever23/pseuds/surefinewhatever23
Summary: Alex hasn't felt the same since she returned from WPP and she doesn't know how to stop distancing herself from Olivia and their relationship. Hurt/Comfort.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	1. Part One

“Are you still in love with me? Are you going to leave me?”

The words ring out in the nearly empty bar. I pick the label on the bottle, an old habit that I do when I don’t have the right words to respond. But you know that, so label picking is just as bad as not talking. 

I glance over at you, the woman I have spent almost a decade with. The woman I have spent the last few years dating. How do I tell you that I don’t think I am capable of being in love with you after everything that happened? That I may not be able to fall in love at all anymore? At some point, I lost myself and I don’t want to put that burden on you to find me. I can’t be with you or I will hurt you, I know it. But I will shatter you if I leave. 

I realize that it must have been too long for me to respond. Your eyes are watering and I wonder if I have the right to brush the single tear rolling down your face. 

“Olivia I--” 

You cut me off before the words can come out. I never have issues finding the words to say in the courtroom or the bedroom, but the look on your face right now leaves me speechless. 

“If you are planning on leaving, I want you to tell me right now. Alex are you in love with someone else?” 

Patsy Cline plays in the background and I wonder if that’s why you think I have leaving on my mind.

At this accusation, my words return. 

“It’s always been you, Olivia. Always. I just don’t know how to love anymore. How can I love someone else when I can’t even love myself?”

I wouldn’t blame you if you left. I was ripped apart from you before Witness Protection, putting out the fire that just barely started to burn. And then I got to return to being Alex. 

But it wasn’t the same. I got engaged to a man who I didn’t love. But he gave me an excuse to stay away from you for three more years. All so you wouldn’t have to see the shell of a woman you once loved.

“I love you, but how can I be with you if I am just going to hurt you? I have hurt you so many times, it’s hard to count.” 

But I do count them. I count them every night when you sleep and I stay wide awake. The nightmares are mostly gone. You’re still my protector when I do manage to fall asleep. But I can’t help to feel guilty when I am lying there, getting to hold you, but holding a part of myself back. I feel like a coward.

And I wonder sometimes what I did to deserve you. The cynical side of me thinks it was just pure luck, but the romantic part of me wishes we were destined to be together. 

It always amazes me when I feel how gentle your strong hands can be. I know they can be rough, but when you gently touch my cheek I want to cry. You turn my face to look at you and I close my eyes. I can’t stand seeing you cry normally, but knowing that I am the reason breaks my heart. 

“Alex, sweetie. I love you. I love you now and I know that some parts of you have changed since you returned. I love those too. It’s hard sometimes, but seeing you beat yourself up is the worst part.” 

You down the rest of your drink and I wonder if you need to numb yourself because of me. 

“I know times are hard right now. I feel you awake at night, the only reason I don’t reach out most nights is that you need an outlet, you need time to adjust.”

I start to deny it, but I know you are right. Liv, my Liv, you know me so well. “I don’t want to hurt you by leaving, but I know that I’m only holding you back. I don’t know what to choose.”

The hand that was gently touching my cheek drops down and grabs my hand. Your fingers are warm and I wish you would never let go. 

“Choose me, Alex,” you begin. 

“Let me be your foundation, your lover, let me help you through this. I know that things seem like they are always going to hurt or be scary, but I want to be by your side.” The tears are running down your face freely now. 

“I’m scared,” I didn’t realize it until I spoke the words aloud, but it’s true. 

“I know. And that’s normal. I want you to be open and honest with me, as much as you can. We are strong, you are strong. If you really want to break up with me, I will let you go and respect your wishes. Even if it breaks me. But if you leave because you are worried you’re holding me back, I promise you that is not true. I won’t stop fighting for you. Ever.” 

I have to decide. I can’t keep dragging around your heart like this. If I go, I need to go right now. And if I stay, I know you will help put me back together. You’re my lover but you’re also my best friend. I suddenly realize there has never really been a choice. I lost you twice and I would be a fool to let you go now. 

“I love you. I need you. And I am going to start loving and getting to know myself. I want to give my whole heart to you, if you’ll have me.” 

I let out a deep breath I didn’t know I was holding. You smile and lead me to the dance floor. You hold me and we sway slowly. There are no words spoken, no more tears shed. It is just you and me. I feel myself relax for the first time in weeks.


	2. Part Two

I shiver as you gently run your fingers over the scar on my shoulder. You feel my reaction and give it a feather light kiss. 

It’s been two weeks since you asked me to choose you, and I choose you everyday. These last couple of cases have been difficult for me. Instead of going home or out to drink away the headache that forms, I head home and wait for you. 

You know exactly what I am going through, but I still feel like a burden sometimes. It’s ten minutes after you get home and I know you want to shower. Soon, my head is resting in your lap as you sit on the couch and stroke my long blonde hair. I apologize, and you look down at me. 

“Alex, do you ever get tired of me talking to you about my day? About how rough these cases are both physically and mentally?”

I shake my head, of course not. You look at me with a raised eyebrow and say that you feel the same way. You say that there is nothing to forgive me for, that we are partners who support each other. 

I finally believe it. You head to the shower and I manage to get up off of the couch. I warm up some leftovers and bring out a bottle of wine I had been saving for a special occasion. This is a special occasion though. It is the first time in a while that I tell you I am fine and I actually mean it. 

I’ve been trying so hard to work on our relationship and my relationship with myself. You encouraged me to see a therapist and she’s helping me out. I love you and that alone is enough of a motivation for me to do better. Sometimes I still have to remind myself that I am _not_ Emily. That I _don’t_ need to stop myself from dreaming of you and wondering what it would be like to make you mine. I have you now, forever. 

You are breathtaking as you walk out of the shower, dropping your towel on the floor. I know you will pick it up later. I was surprised at how neat you were when we first met. I don’t know why, but I just assumed that the hot, unattainable detective wouldn’t have time to organize. 

“I love you,” I say as I walk into the master bedroom. I hold you close, feeling the goosebumps against my skin even though it is warm in our house. You relax into my arms. 

It is then that it hits me that you need me too. This isn’t just you taking care of me or being my support; you trust me to catch you when you fall. 

I lead you to our kitchen and make sure you eat. I doubt you had anything today other than coffee, but I understand. All that matters is that you’re here with me. I feel so guilty that I almost gave up on us. 

My therapist made me realize that all I do is run from my problems. I ran away from my family when they wouldn’t accept my sexuality. I was forced away by Witness Protection, but I kept running even when I had to be Emily. And I ran straight into a new lover’s arms to get away from you. We got engaged, but the whole time I couldn’t stop thinking about how he wasn’t you. I cheated on him, something I had vowed not to ever do again. 

I’m done running, Olivia. We finish our dinner and the whole bottle of wine. You’re curled up in my arms in bed, our breathing patterns synched. I whisper that I love you. I tell you how thankful I am that you never gave up on me, even when it would have been well deserved. 

“You’re my whole heart, Alex. How could I ever give that away?” You say as you nuzzle my neck. My eyes fall to our interlaced fingers and I sigh. In a way, it is like we are starting to date all over again. I’m falling deeper and deeper in love with you every day. 

I know you feel the same way. Last week I overheard you talking to Cragen that you were planning on proposing to me. We’ve talked about it in the past and were on the same page, but that was before I started drifting away from you. I know I shouldn’t have listened in on the conversation. Cragen is like the father you never had. 

I was nervous, scared that you were only thinking of proposing because you thought I would otherwise leave. You can imagine my surprise when you pulled out a ring box. You told him that you were going to wait to propose until we felt like ourselves again and until I was ready. 

Tears welled up in my eyes as I walked away. I didn’t need to hear the rest of the conversation. I’m touched that you’re willing to wait, even after all of these years. If you proposed right now, I would say ‘yes.’ You know it, too. 

But the fact that you are so understanding, that is what makes my heart flutter. I’m not an inconvenience to you. You already know you want to spend the rest of your life with me, but you want to make sure that I am truly feeling like _me_ again before we take that next step.

I love you, Olivia.


	3. Part Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Olivia's POV, set after Parts One and Two

***Olivia’s POV***

You’re absolutely breathtaking and my heart is so full when I am around you. The thought of losing you hurt me worse than any bullet I have taken. You’ve known me for over ten years, ten years of fate coming in our way too many times. 

But now you’re here. I see how hard you try every day. Slowly but surely, you’re becoming ‘Alex’ again. We talk about it, about how you find yourself relaxing more and more, about how you don’t feel the need to run. We talk more now than we ever did before. 

I think that part of the reason why we let it get this way was that it was easier. It started out with you going to the gym right after work and coming home late or me volunteering for overtime. Little things that were subconsciously giving us permission to stay away. It escalated because that slowly became our routine and we got used to the distance. 

I know you blame yourself for this, but Alex there’s nobody to blame. We drifted apart but we came back stronger than ever. So when you tell me that you’re doing okay one night, tears well up in my eyes because I know that you finally believe it too. 

This ring is burning a hole in my pocket. I bought it a while ago, before that night at the bar. There never seemed to be a right time to propose before and then I was worried that you planned on leaving. The thought of you with someone else broke my heart because there was never a doubt in my mind that you were the one I was going to marry. We needed time to get back to normal. Our previous “normal” was unsustainable. 

It’s been months and I keep carrying the ring around in my leather jacket, waiting for the right time to propose. We talked about marriage before, a few times, but I know you were still nervous. Last month we talked about it again and I could have sworn your eyes turned electric blue as if they had a light of their own. You looked just the way that you did when we first talked about marriage, before all of this, and that’s when I knew it was time.

“Alex?” I ask after hearing rustling in our bedroom. I didn’t know you were home yet, so I’m startled at first.

“In here.”

I have to consciously focus on breathing because you’re standing there in a dress I’ve never seen before. It comes down to your knees but there’s a slit in the thigh that comes up just high enough to tease but still be covered. 

“My eyes are up here, Liv.” You wave, trying to get my attention. 

Somehow looking deep into your eyes is even more distracting than looking at your long legs. I don’t even remember walking over but suddenly I am kissing you and holding you tightly in my arms. 

You tell me that you wanted to go out for dinner but you’re okay with takeout if I’m too tired. I could never be too tired to go on a date with you. Well, maybe some days. But not tonight. 

“I’ll wait in the living room while you get dressed, I don’t want to be a distraction…” 

You strut away before I can argue. It’s probably for the best because you’re right, you’d just distract me, and I rarely win our little arguments anyway. 

I put on my favorite blazer paired with dress pants. My makeup doesn’t take long to do, and I almost walk out of the room but remember that the ring is still in my leather jacket. All of a sudden, I can’t wait anymore. You always told me that you didn’t want a public proposal anyway. 

It takes me a few minutes to get my courage up. You’re sitting on the side of the couch, ankles crossed, taking a rare moment to read a book you’ve been into lately. I see your eyes light up as you take in my outfit. I’m wearing it because I know it is one of your favorites. 

You raise an eyebrow at me when I guide you over to sit on the couch. I ask if we have reservations and you say that you wanted to wait until you knew I was home. I take one deep breath and get down on one knee. 

“For the past ten years you’ve been everything to me. We’ve had more ups and downs than anyone else, but there is nobody else I would rather go through this life with. I’m proud to call you my best friend, my lover, my soulmate. I want to call you my wife, too. Alexandra Cabot, will you marry me?”

I look at you and when our eyes meet you say ‘yes’ over and over again. Your lips are on mine and I’m surrounded by you, by our love. This past year has been one of the hardest but also one of the best years of our relationship. 

You can’t stop looking at the ring, how it sparkles. And I can’t stop looking at you. My love. My life. I was attracted to you after that first day I met you, but even then I couldn’t have guessed you would be my wife someday. 

“What about dinner?” 

You break the silence and then start to stand up and walk towards the bedroom. You tell me to wait, and baby I would wait forever for you. 

After a couple minutes you return and then you’re on your right knee in front of me, asking me to marry you. To say that I am surprised is an understatement.

“Of course, my love,” I somehow manage to get out before you kiss me deeply. I ask if you were planning this, if that is why you were so dressed up. You just smile and tell me that you bought the ring months ago but couldn’t hide it one second longer. 

“Dinner?” I almost hate to ask but then your stomach growls and we both laugh. We leave the apartment and I place my hand on the small of your back, something I have done a thousand times before. And just like those thousand other times, my heart skips a beat. 

For the life of me I couldn’t tell you what we even ate for dinner. All I remember is your unbridled laughter and the love in your eyes. I still can’t believe that it’s directed towards me. I choose you, for life. 

I love you, Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last part of this short story. I hope you enjoy!! As always, thanks for reading! :)

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't add this to my Witness Protection series because this is not going to be a one shot. Feel free to comment if you have kudos or feedback. Thank you all for reading and for your support! <3


End file.
